Doing It Scared

How our communities can give us courage

“How’d the talk go?” is the most common question I’ve been asked since giving my TEDx talk a couple of weeks ago.

There are a handful of moments in life where you are handed a really big moment. Maybe it’s pitching a big client, interviewing for the job of your dreams, or proposing to the love of your life.

That bigness is what I felt in this moment. Even though I knew I just had to get out there and try my best, I couldn’t help but feel so incredibly nervous about how that attempt would go.

Maybe it's because I worried I would mess up my lines or wouldn’t give my best delivery. Maybe it’s because I knew it would be recorded and one day live on the internet for forever. Or maybe it’s just because it’s been a really big dream of mine, and it turns out dreaming is scary.

But I was nervous. Like deep breaths trying to convince myself I was going to be OK nervous.

And so, when our incredibly talented event photographer Jackie sent the photos out today of the event, I could barely believe the photo below.

Me about to walk on stage for TEDx. Photo Credit: Jackie Phairow

This is a photo of me high-fiving my incredibly wonderful speaking coach and emcee for the afternoon, Dele, right as I stepped on to the stage.

What struck me most about it is the smile on my face because I remember feeling so nervous. And yet, I also remember feeling so supported and loved in that moment and trying to take it all in with gratitude.

This is the literal photo of what doing it scared looks like.

So often, we reserve the notion of doing hard, scary things for things that are inherently bad. Like having a hard conversation with someone, firing someone, or doing something we dread (hello taxes or any kind of confusing paperwork). But things can be good and scary too. That’s what dreaming and walking into those dreams feels like.

Giving my TEDx talk was messy, not perfect, and much harder than I expected. But it was also so, so good. And most of what made it good were the people that were part of the process.

Since my talk was on grief, someone came up to me at the end and asked, “What do you think the most important thing is for coping with grief with your many years of working in this space?”

I didn’t have to think long.

Community.

Community is what makes all the hard things lighter - and that includes the hard things that bring grief but also the hard things that bring life.

Like when I had my first child and I was drowning in sleep deprivation and overwhelm. I was so incredibly happy to be a mom but really scared too. And my community stepped in to help - they brought meals, held her while I showered, cleaned my house. Their love and support helped me do the hard, scary thing.

And it’s the same with my TEDx talk. What kept me going, what kept me brave, and ultimately what helped me step on to that stage was the community that formed around me. My long-standing community of friends and family who sent encouraging texts and showed up on the day of the event. The community of speakers, coaches, and organizers who supported me and cheered me on the whole way. The community of audience members who stepped in with a “We’re here for you! You can do it!” attitude. Each of these communities helped me do a hard, scary thing.

Perhaps this will be the thing I harp on again and again and again until I die. And it’s this - community is the singular best investment we can make in our lives. I consider myself so lucky to have found more of a community through this experience.

This is how we do things scared. We don’t do them alone - we do them with our people.