The Illusion of Me First Thinking
The limits to the analogy about putting on your oxygen mask first
There is a reality show on the History Channel called Alone, in which the goal is to see which of the 10 individuals on the show can survive the longest in the cold and harsh wilderness with limited survival equipment. The one who lasts the longest goes home with the big prize: $500,000.
As someone very into camping and who wishes I had the survival skills to survive the wilderness (I don’t!), I find these shows fascinating. Seeing the creative ingenuity of humans to bolster what little resources they have in order to survive is incredible.
As a social psychologist, however, I am deeply struck by what often takes contestants out: the lack of social connection and support. Many of the contestants are driven mad by their extreme feelings of loneliness and often choose to tap out to return home to loved ones.
Even for those who can weather the “temporary” bought of loneliness they feel, the show proves time and time again that humans are inherently social creatures meant to live in groups.
My husband and I always watch it, thinking, “How would humans have survived in more primitive times?”
The answer of course, is they wouldn’t do it alone. There would be a group of humans left to tend to the fire and keep things warm while another group would go out hunting. And yet another group would head out to find water sources while a different group might tend to the children and others made clothing or shoes or bows and arrows. Together, humans would find a way to survive the elements and enjoy the benefits of social support.
Putting on your oxygen mask is only the first step to surviving grief, burn out, and struggle
We have all been told repeatedly, “You have to put on your own oxygen mask first!” when coached on how to handle struggle. The struggle could be burn out, grief, or just making it through a hard stretch of anything (deadlines, financial constraints, etc.).
While it’s true that your basic needs must be met, this analogy often drills down deep into extreme inwardness and individualism to the point of social isolation. And that is where humans tend to struggle.
We think the key to coping with our extreme burn out, grief, or struggles is to do more inward activities, the proverbial “oxygen mask.” More meditation. More yoga. More time reading or engaging in our hobbies. Protect self. Protect self. Protect self.
But that’s almost never where we find healing from our pain. Having worked with so many grieving families, I can tell you that almost every single one of them find relief from their pain through a singular thing: their communities.
No amount of yoga, journaling, or meditation seems to erase the reality of dealing with a terminal illness or losing a loved one. And those things are almost never mentioned by people as helping them through these hard seasons.
Instead, it’s the people who showed up. The people who brought meals and gave grocery store gift cards. The people who swung by to watch kids or laugh over dinner.
Community is key to our survival.
Community is critical to our well-being
As a social psychologist, I’m always acutely aware of the extreme benefits of social support and connection. Loneliness is so detrimental to our health that the former U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, released a report that outlined the extreme risks of it. The report, which reviews the research literature broadly, indicates that lacking social connection is as dangerous as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Social isolation increases our risk substantially for heart disease, dementia, and poor management of Type 1 and 2 diabetes as well as higher rates of depression and anxiety.
The report indicates that social engagement is in sharp decline in America, with steadily decreasing rates of social engagement with friends, household engagement with family, companionship, and social engagement with others. In fact, only 16% of Americans report feeling “very attached” to their local communities. This combined with an increasingly isolated existence online can account for the loneliness, anger and division we see collectively. It also helps explain why we are so bad at grieving in America, a topic on which I’ve written before. We keep trying grieve alone and in spaces and infrastructures that force us to do it alone.
In that report, the Surgeon General highlights not only the major risks of loneliness but the healing effects of social connection and community. Social connection increases our odds of survival by 50%, meaning we live longer when socially connected. It does this by improving our biology (e.g., less stress hormones), psychology (e.g., more meaning, purpose, and resiliency), and our behaviors (e.g., more physical activity, better nutrition and sleep).
The report goes on further to highlight that individuals report their social relationships as the most important source of meaning, purpose and motivation.
Community is critical to society’s well-being (which is where we live!)
Social connection is not only good for us but it’s also good for our communities. And guess what? Our communities are where we live, so when our communities thrive, it directly benefits us as well.
Our communities become healthier. For every one unit increase in social capital (which is defined as the resources that individuals have access to through groups such as social support and social cohesion), there is a 17% increase in survival and 29% increase in reported “good health”. In short, when entire communities are more socially connected, the survival rates go up overall.
Our communities become safer. A one standard deviation increase in social connectedness was associated with a 21% reduction in murders and 20% reduction motor thefts. In other words, having more connection at the community level is associated with lower rates of major crimes.
Our communities become more economically prosperous. A three-year study that followed 26 cities in the U.S. found that those communities with the highest level of resident attachment also experienced the greatest growth in GDP. In other words, connection within communities also seem to do better economically.
Our communities become more engaged in our government in a way that represents us. Higher levels of social connection are also linked with higher rates of civic engagement as well as more representative governments. That is, people are more engaged with their governments and, perhaps as a result, those governments better represent them.
The report goes on to warn of an increasing divide in America: polarization is growing at a substantial rate and serving to dissolve the positive effects of social engagement outlined above by creating an us vs. them mindset. This inherently erodes these potential benefits, which have to be felt at the community level.
In short, division, avoidance and withdrawal all harm our bottom line of living happier, healthier lives.
The pay-off of being more socially connected
When we are in pain, our natural reaction is to pull inward and take care of ourselves, but the science is very clear that we should also be reaching out and staying connected. By allowing our communities to support us, we can accelerate our healing and may even find meaning through supporting them. By engaging in our local communities, we can build happier, healthier and safer versions of the places we live and boost our well-being at the same time.
If you are in pain, hurting, or dealing with grief, now is probably not the time to put on your own oxygen mask and then fly alone. Rather, after putting on your mask, think of who can sit next to you on the bumpy plane ride while you try to breathe. It’s hard to live off an oxygen mask or in a space of grief or struggle. But having someone next to you makes it easier to endure.
And with time, the data reported in the Surgeon General’s report indicate, you might even find yourself living a happy, healthier life.
If you aren’t struggling, think of who you can help. If you don’t need an oxygen mask, be the helper who brings oxygen to those who need it.
Be well and connected this week.
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