The One Thing You Should Do if Someone You Love is Dying

The unlikely yet simple advice for how to spend final moments

I still remember the exact conversation where a friend of mine, whose wife was dying of cancer, asked upon being told she was dying from her disease: “Megan, what should I do now?”

The heaviness of this question hit me like a ton of bricks. What, honestly, could I say? Was there anything he could do? In my over decade-long career working with the dying, I encounter this question a lot. I was even recently asked a different version of this question again recently in a media interview: “What is the one piece of advice you would give to someone whose loved one is dying?”

When someone hears the words: “There’s nothing more we can do” or “I’m sorry but it’s terminal” or “You’ve got X number of days/months/years left,” it’s the worst news of their life. And this news cascades out like a ripple, affecting everyone that person loves in its wake.

So, what can you do?

A simple, yet powerful exercise

Over my many years of doing this work and learning from the patients and families with whom I’ve spoken with, I’ve realized the most powerful recommendation I have is this: record their voice.

The power of someone’s voice. Source; Pixabay.com

Record them talking to you. Record simple conversations about how the birds are chirping nicely this morning. Record them laughing at a funny joke. Record them telling you, “I love you.” The one thing people most commonly say they miss the most and worry they will forget after losing a loved one is the sound of their voice.

This desire to hear our loved ones speak after they are gone is so powerful that companies are now developing AI tools that use recorded audio of individuals to allow you to program your loved one “speaking” to you after they’ve died. It may sound creepy, but the users of these tools talk about how powerful it is to have their now deceased loved one say key phrases they used to say all the time like, “Hey babe!” or “You’ll get through it, you always do.”

Many of us have videos of our loved ones – them on vacation, opening Christmas and birthday presents, or at special events. But what most of us lack is recordings around the everydayness of that person living. We can think of distinct ways they talk to us or common phrases they use, but we rarely capture these moments. We rarely record them telling us crazy stories from their past or laughing at a joke or talking about how they feel about us.

A conversational exercise

The bonus to recording simple, everyday moments with a dying loved one is that it also centers you on being present with them. Most people who are told they are dying are dying due to a terminal illness like cancer. Thus, common ideas around the best ways to enjoy final moments such as hitting a big bucket list, are often out of reach to the dying because they are so physically ill. But focusing on simple moments of conversation and connection can be powerful if the person is still able to communicate. Here are a few suggestions:

• Tell them something funny and record their laugh.

• Tell them how you really feel about them (love, complicated emotions, forgiveness). If they are physically able, they may share how they feel about you too.

• Ask them for advice and record how they respond.

• Spark a simple conversation about little pleasures – the sound of the birds, the feel of the breeze, the taste of the coffee or ice cream (if they are still able to eat and drink). How do they feel about it?

• Ask them to tell you a story you’ve never heard about from their childhood.

• Ask them what they’ve learned is most important in life.

If you or someone you know is facing a loved one dying, pass along this advice. And even if your loved ones (parents, spouses, siblings, children) aren’t dying, it can be really amazing to record these moments anyway, so you have them for the future. We never know when their last day might be.